This feeling sux!

I’ve forgotten the feeling of being…..loved, cared and showered with concern. =\

Definitely not goodbye

My bestfriend’s leaving tomorrow for Brisbane and I don’t know what to feel.

h20-ised

Signed up for aquarobics class as part of my 2011 resolution and today was the first lesson. I HAD SO MUCH FUN! Seriously! Plus point; Rozi was there with me! Awesome k ada geng! Selenge sama2. Hehe! Nurul’s gonna join us next lesson. Confirm kecoh! Hehe!

Many may find aquarobics kental and embarrasing. At least that’s what I thought. But tawakkal je lah. Nak healthy (+ lose weight) punya pasal. So I should swallow my ke-paisey-an. Furthermore, you don’t feel sticky and icky from sweating after a workout. But really, after you get the hang of it, you’ll forget about being embarrased and will concentrate on your moves and postures. I didn’t even give a damn on the small audience looking at us as if we’re some exhibits. In my head I was like, “what see see? at least i’m making an effort here to lose weight! you’re just standing there wasting time coz you’re just plain lazy! *sticks out tongue*” cey macam paham sak aku! haha! But actually no lah.. “nak tengok, tengok lah. dah biasa jadi centre of attention lagi pun!” HAHAHAHA!

Hopefully after the 12 sessions is over, I’ll manage to lose at least tak banyak, 2kg pun jadilah! See.. Saya sungguh tak tamak. Bagus betol budak Nisha ni.

Looking forward to next week’s session! Fats, lemak and tayar around perot, GO AND DIE! I don’t wanna see your face again! This is goodbye!

rezolusyen

It’s 2011 and I feel that I should start (or at least, TRY) blogging regularly again. Read my old blog (which I updated almost every day, mostly with unimportant details) and had a sudden rush of emotions. It’s a nice feeling lah. It’s like talking to an old friend about things that only the two of you understand. And since it’s already 2011, I guess I should just make BLOGGING REGULARLY as one of my resolutions!

My other resolutions include:

a) spending more time with people that matters!

So far,

– I’ve tried my very best to go home early from work at least once a weeknight to spend time with my parents

– Plan meet-ups with friends (but selalu kena reject or buih. kesian!)

Runni’s Birthday Surprise (08/01/11)

Karaoke & Monopoly Deal (14/01/11)

b) kick negative/unappreciative/penyamun/minta kena smack people outta my life

So far,

– kicked 1 person out & wished that I never knew him!!!! waste time only! URGHHH!!

c) take better care of my health a.k.a trytoloseweight

So far,

– Signed up for Aquarobics class with Rozi & Nurul. ;D WE CAN DO IT, GIRLS!!

d) be a better muslim

So far,

– Have yet to skip my religious class on every Wednesday. Syabas, Inspector Sahab! =8B

e) learn to cycle

So far,

– Research on the internet for tips or any good bomoh beskal =__=”

f) learn to play a musical instrument

So far,

– Done nothing, zero, zilch!

g) learn to drive and park the car confidently & bukan mcm confident only

So far,

– watch people drive and admire from afar. LOL!

Two words

Customers, indiscriminately, should friggin understand that they stand in the position of a guest. But that doesn’t make whosoever’s serving them their fkin servant. Having that much self righteous self-respect should reflect equally with how you respect others. It doesn’t matter what color you are, or what language you speak but if you have problems with the frequency that we are working in, you’re just a ticket away from where you flew from. two words. fuck off. (:

x+1 (the endless possibility of a bad day)

On some days when it can be so potent, you can almost feel it coming swirling in your system. It could be how your morning had dissolved leaving you blind to your own intuition and impulses. It’s like walking on wet floors with slippery soles, shouldering an innate sense of insecurity that hits you right at the back of your head like you’re gonna slip and fall at every single step. It doesn’t matter what you preconceive, the deal is usually signed, sealed, delivered and almost if not always, inevitable. Surely, every bad thought can fester into a bad day. And it doesn’t take much but a tiny catalyst that will paint your face yellow insulted and sallow. On days like these, you feel almost inadvertedly like a living neuron layered with receptors at every end and the trajections that the world impose is so hard to miss that the truth on several accounts do not emancipate, it simply thickens and amplifies, weighing down on every single logic possible. Yes, if ever my own philosophy over my bleakest day could ever triumph biology, tommorrow I will be a mimosa plant and maybe I will be stepped on even when I shy myself defenseless.

I admit. I am not the rainbow of every optimist.

But like every dark cloud, there’s a silver lining. Me, you, we could all be blind to it and perceive the billowing darkness like a looming storm but if we look hard enough, we’d be impress on how such beauty can outline something indefinitely mortifying.

On days like these, when I’d needed my friends the most to lift my spirits, you guys were there. And I’d hug you the same like how I had hug my beloved sister goodbye at the airport for being my silver lining.

Thanks Mel. Thanks Nisha.

The epitome of time waster

Used to blog (almost) all the time over at my old blog. But not here. Suspect kuat the fengshui kat sini kurang baik ah! ;P

So anyway, I feel like blogging today (after visiting this blog, during the lepak session at lunch time at Liza’s table [sambil chui2 abang encemzzz.teehee!~ *twirl2 tudung*]). The last blog post was by Nadzim, who in case you forgot, is the guest writer of this blog. Not that I mind (since he writes well sampai kadang-kadang aku pun tak faham) but I have a *coughs* reputation to maintain so… I decided to blog today though I’ve experienced numerous cock mind block today. Tak percaya, you can ask my secretary, Liza. Talking is a torture for me today. Had to dig my mind dalam2 just to find one single (simple pulak tu) word. Suspect semalam banyak makan (kuih sarang) semut.

Actually right… I don’t exactly have a topic to blog about or a story to tell. I just want to spout nonsense and pray hard that it makes sense and someday my word will be quoted in a literature book or something.  Hmmm.. maybe I should write a poem ala Nadzim so maybe someday I could use it during a speech on my wedding day.

Love,

White as dove,

High up above,

Wear a glove.

=___=

PHAIL!

Or maybe… since Nadzim writes poem, I should write pantuns! Which remind me of a pantun which I wrote during Secondary school for my Malay lesson.

Pemadam,

Pensil,

Jangan kita suka cancel.

THAT scored me a “jumpa saya”. =(

But THAT to me was a masterpiece! Awesome what the pantun!!

WAIT! I just have an inspiration for another pantun… here goes:

Angkat telefon cakap.. “Wei!”

Jangan kita suka buih.

OMG i’m so lame! I think I just wasted  5 minutes of your time with my awesome blog post. NYAHAHA! I think I should be an author or a playwright. Confirm the world will be a better place. =8B

Actually 2 of my lecturers did commented that I write pretty well! At first I was damn proud ah.. happy lonjat2 sumer… but then… I sense  some cynicism lalu saya berkata di dalam hati, “YEAH RIGHT!!!~~”.

the love that can’t be bought

You are the watchtower that never sleeps,

The moon on a cloudless night,

The blueness of ocean’s deep,

A newborn starling’s flight,

You are the whisper in the wind,

The soft pastel gray in the skies,

The sophisticated hand on prints

The glint of hope in an orphan’s eyes

You are the light from a candle’s wick

The horizon that catches the sun

The rosiness on a cherub’s cheek

To a cat, its ball of yarn

You are the summer and the spring,

And the warmth that autumn sought,

The chime of a bell that rings,

The love that can’t be bought

The great blue marble (students were writing this)

I sat at the same shady spot at the back of the school. The olive colored fence stood before me like the Great Wall of China and it stretched right out into the soccer field. I could hear the water flowing in the canal from the other side. This is where I like to be everyday during recess, alone and undisturbed. Searching my side pockets, I pulled out a blue marble. This was what remained of my belated grandfather. He was a master at the game of marbles and this particular blue one was his prized possession. I received it on my birthday, before he died a few weeks later. I’d learnt to isolate myself since. Build walls where no one could reach. It seemed safer that way. I stared into the glass marble. Getting lost in it is like being suspended in the ocean. It’s just you and the deep blue.

“Wuss!” Bob jumped out of nowhere and snatched the blue marble from my hands. Blindsided, I was completely taken aback by his sudden appearance. It was purely disgusting how someone as burly and annoying as Bob could maneuver sneakily like a docile cat. I struggled up to my feet but before I could, he pushed me back to the ground. “What do we have here…” he squeezed the marble between his thumb and his index finger and held it up to his eye, examining it as though it was a jewel. “Can I please have it back, fat ass? It belongs to my grandfather.” I hissed vehemently.

He turned his gaze at me and clenched the marble tightly in his fist. “You’re so stupid no wonder your parents left you and your grandfather died on you.” He snarled proudly. His smirk revealed all the evil that was brewing in his thick fat skull. Surging with anger, I had wanted to pounce on him, rip his guts out and let ravens feast on his soul. Suddenly, he raised his arm as though he had a javelin in his hands to throw and instantly, I cowered back. I shielded my face with my hands out of reflex and just when I’d thought that he would care more to bruise my face, he spun around unexpectedly and hurled the blue marble across the school fence.

I gasped. My eyes widened in disbelief as I witnessed my marble diminish into a blue dot as it flew over the fence. It glinted momentarily in the sun and disappeared to the other side of the world, where it clicked on the ground and plopped audibly into the waters of the canal. For a moment the air turned still, the raucous laughter in the school yard died and the birds just stopped chirping. I was paralyzed in time, lost like my blue marble and all I could hear was my own heart, beating, drumming wildly in my ears. I wanted to breathe but the stirring turmoil in my throat stopped me. Before I knew it, I was squirming on the ground confused and breathless from an asthma attack.

Asphyxiation, I thought.

This is how it feels when you’re drowning. And the world blacked out.

In my dream, I was on the pinnacle of a vast green hill lying on a blanket of soft grass. The sky was azure blue with white billowy clouds scattered in the horizon. I stroked the grass blades and breathed the summer breeze. There was a calming effect in the wind. I peered at the sun, it shone brightly but the light didn’t hurt my eyes. I was just soaking the rays of the sun when I noticed something glistening at the corner of my eye. I directed my gaze towards the distracting glimmer and saw my blue marble right next to me. I picked it up and put it over the sun and marveled at how the light danced and swirled in the vast blue. I would picture a diver looking up from underwater and gazing at the same spectacle.

The great blue marble, it felt divine like I had the world in my hands. “You do have the world in your hands.” A familiar voice whispered. I looked up and I saw my grandfather smiling down on me. A tear streamed down my cheek as I sat up facing him. How I’d missed him. “However difficult the world is, I’ll always be there to walk it through with you.” He pressed his hand onto my chest and I felt a ripple in my heart.

I woke up at that point.

“Oh thank god you’re alive! We thought we’d almost lost you.” Mrs Lee hugged me at the hint of my revival. “What happened?” I gasped. “It was just an asthma attack but you’re okay now, that’s all that matters” the school doctor continued. Apparently my short episode gathered an entire crusade of the school staff. “I’m okay…I just need some air” I staggered on my feet and took a deep breath, came to my senses and realized that I was clutching something in my hands. I peered down and loosened my fingers and to my astonishment, it was my blue marble. It was inexplicable but I never came to explore how it got there.

It took a cruel boy, a cruel deed and a near death experience to propel me into recovery from the bereavement of my late grandfather. The loss of my only family was a misfortune but it was not in complete lack of virtue. Although it was incredulous to believe that a dream could change the entire course of one’s life it happened to me. Ever since that incident, I’ve never looked back to regret my past and stopped fearing the future because I know, just like the blue marble lying in the grasp of my fingertips. I had the world in my hands.

content with loneliness

It seems like yesterday, when I’d walked away

Deserted into the blue

I rather not stay; I’d roam the streets all day

And linger in solitude

It feels like I could cry, but fail each time I try,

So I’ll just brood along,

And I’ll count the tiles, on the pavement and isles,

And think of you in my song,

I’d sing to the trees, blow kisses on leaves

My heart’s pricked but not by splinters or thorns

Years in a dozen but time just seems frozen,

And life just has to move on

I’d pray to the stars, wherever you are,

That you’d still think of me

And I’d give up my days, to see you today,

And tomorrow I’d be free

From this inception and preconceived notions

That stabs my brain, till I die,

And I resurrect, in the hallway years back

My memory is still intact

For you I’d perceived and had strongly believed,

That we’ll never be apart,

Now that you’re gone and I’m walking all alone,

And it’s so hard not to look back.

side note: some things cigarettes can solve and i’d have one right now.